Whenever I go to shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, “I’m gonna go shave, too.”

My friend said to me, “I think the weather’s trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should’ve just said, ‘Yeah.’”

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. “Come on four billion!… Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six… at least. Snake eyes!” I just said “snake eyes.” That’s a gambling term. Its also an animal term too.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter. I’m like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.